What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 08:15
My family never makes their pension either.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Can you name a song with the word 'why' in it?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Im still living with it.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She wouldn,t have been !
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
What does it feel like to "lose your looks" to age?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Especially a lifetime of it.
What are the most shocking facts about the Bollywood industry?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I waited trembling.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Have you ever really seen aliens or UFOs by yourself? Can you share your experience?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He knew the spot.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
So whats the point in blame.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And i lived it daily.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We were not on the streets..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
This is soul school!.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He resisted the act ,that day.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Was to survive, this bastard.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But it wasn’t much.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Would this be the day?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I think the readers, may guess!
One cannot live in the past .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
All the time i was locked up.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I said to her
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I never cut or harmed myself..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I write beautiful poetry .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
It was going to be , some day.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We all went to grammer schools
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Who then, do I blame.?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was very sick at this time too.
When she asked me how she looked .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I don,t even have a pension.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But, we were locked up after school.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She found it foreign!.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She married twice! .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Ive learnt so much.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
So, i spoilt her more .
I will be 64.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She was in good health!
I was seconnd youngest,
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
What did i know ?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I couldn’t, believe it.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As i do to all so called friends.?
(And it was in our own minds.)
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I could never make a relationship work though!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But ive been too sick for many years..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My life is so biszare .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She loved him until the end.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I have no regrets .
Comes on , in middle age.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I was 9 years of age.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Put me off passion for life!!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was scared of men, in general
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.